Keep Grinding

The Lolcow Pen

Types of Cows

• An Artcow creates laughably terrible pictures.
• A Careercow keeps a job it is awful at.
• A Dramacow causes controversy.
• A Schizocow is just plain crazy!
• A Horrorcow is undebatably evil.

The Cows Themselves

Charles White / penguinz0 / Cr1tikal / MoistCr1tikal / HugeCharles

• Type: Careercow
• Milkable Parts: lack of research, contradictory statements, inconsistent demeanor
• Frequents: YouTube and Twitch
• Notable enablers: Channeleven, Discotek Media, Internet Anarchist, Josh Cannon, Karl Hamburger, Ludwig, MeatCanyon, Mutahar "SomeOrdinaryGamers" Anas, Uncle Al
• See it in action

Josh Cannon / Dancing with Ghosts / DWGYouTube

• Type: Lolcow
• Milkable Parts: throwing tantrums and spouting non-sequitirs live, not following the guidelines it gives, calling penguinz0 "based" despite several research failures, mediocre hygiene
• Frequents: YouTube and Discord
• See it in action

Dig Deeper / Diggy

• Type: Schizocow
• Milkable Parts: poor reading comprehension, contradictory statements
• Frequents: the web in general
• See it in action

Froge

• Type: Horrorcow
• Milkable Parts: lack of research, poor watching comprehension, blatant attraction to minors
• Frequents: Neocities
• See it in action
• Possible socks?

Joshua Connor Moon / Null

• Type: Careercow
• Milkable Parts: attacking its site's members for petty reasons, failing to answer simple questions, lack of research, database mismanagement, possible pedophilia, FAT
• Frequents: Kiwi Farms and Telegram
• Notable enablers: Lidl Drip, Ruben Sim, Turkey Tom
• See it in action

Mark McConville / LS Mark / Midnight Mark / Splash Dash

• Type: Dramacow
• Milkable Parts: lack of research, slandering Mr. Enter, defaming and stalking Butch Hartman, failing to answer simple questions, trying to marry a cheater, refusing to do housework, poor watching comprehension, frivolous spending, FAT
• Frequents: YouTube, Twitch, Discord, and Twitter/X
• Notable enablers: Alpha Jay, Blooms, Channel Pup, Johnny 2 Cellos, Kellen Goff, "laly", LioConvoy, Mr. Enter (surprisingly), Mutahar "SomeOrdinaryGamers" Anas, OneyNG, Saberspark, Sr Pelo, Steve Reviews, Veridis Joe
• See it in action

Lady Decade

• Type: Careercow
• Milkable Parts: clickbait titles and thumbnails, frivolous spending
• Frequents: YouTube
• Notable enablers: SIMPS
• See it in action

Luke Smith

• Type: Lolcow
• Milkable Parts: poor reading comprehension, failing to answer simple questions, petty racism, blatant hypocrisy, clickbait titles and thumbnails
• Frequents: YouTube
• See it in action

MarioMario456

• Type: Schizocow
• Milkable Parts: sending unjustified personal attacks to wiki editors, administrating a drama-centric wiki without knowing about recent drama
• Frequents: Encyclopedia Dramatica
• See it in action

Thomas Hanson / Turkey Tom / TomDark / NotATurkey / anonbirdd / tombutdark

• Type: Dramacow
• Milkable Parts: derp face, blatant hypocrisy, frivolous spending
• Frequents: YouTube and Twitter/X
• Notable enablers: The Act Man, Brandon Buckingham, Josh Cannon, Lord Crust, Mutahar "SomeOrdinaryGamers" Anas, Nicholas DeOrio, Stardust
• See it in action

Trad Cath from LA / Chink Destroyers from LA / Guardian against Miscegenation / fag0t v2 / Ashley Hutsell JanKuntowski

• Type: Schizocow
• Milkable Parts: frequent ad hominem attacks, spamming in threads, not using Xenforo's reaction/rating feature when it has almost nothing to add
• Frequents: Onion Farms
• See it in action

Eris Ray / UltimateDSfan / UltimateDSEris / ultimate_eris / UltimateHellscape / 8BitComms

• Type: Horrorcow
• Milkable Parts: emotionally abusive crybullying, racism towards itself, failing to answer simple questions, mediocre hygiene, poor watching comprehension, frivolous spending
• Frequents: YouTube, Twitter/X, and Discord
• Notable enablers: DAclassicgamer/DAepikartman, MilesRoseQuartz, Nintendude, Team YouTube, ThatOneCalledRPG
• See it in action

Bonus Cows

1. Schizocow CandyEvie/Luvie: called a PKMN battle a "bad choice", even though that's the focus of the main series
2. Schizocow chaomix: the jokes usually write themselves
3. Artcow Doobus Goobus: SIMP
4. Horrorcow Lady Lunanova: projects its TGTF fetish onto underage characters, even if the franchise already has capable female characters
5. Horrorcow LioConvoy: throws tantrums over alleged degeneracy, despite defending the criminals LS Mark and Lily Orchard; poor hygiene
6. Schizocow Sr Pelo: refuses to improve its art, defends and supports criminals, A-logs other YouTubers, blocks people who criticize its double standards
7. Artcow SuperSpoe: refused to claim responsibility for enabling minor-attracted predators, poor watching comprehension

Why you should not dogpile cows

More views could encourage them to stagnate

Some cows' works are monetized, so many views could be translated to piles of money that they will most likely waste.

Professionals and trolls will wrangle them

Many workplaces and post-secondary schools blacklist candidates for poor behavior. If a cow violates a law, authorities can neutralize it.

Most cows will never learn their lessons, regardless of what they experience

Closed-mindedness is a common flaw among cows. Before you attempt to persuade one, ask the following questions:

• Is the cow willing to improve, though not able? If so, it is not as capable as you thought.
• Is the cow able to improve, though not willing? If so, it is not as well-intentioned as you thought.
• Is the cow willing and able to improve? If so, why is it still funny?
• Is the cow neither willing nor able to improve? If so, why does it deserve your attention?