122624 - Since the year is ending // ꕤ
As 2025 looms closer, it feels like every deadline I’ve ever set for myself—quietly slipping by without notice. I’ve lost track of the last few days, clinging to practically nothing. This year feels like a blur, with nothing to give me grace, hope, or even motivation. And yet, in the midst of it all, I feel this quiet, profound pride in myself for simply enduring. Sounds like copium, i know.
I’ve been writing a lot, reading even more, and sitting with silence—something I never thought I could do. Whenever I sit with my mother, I find myself extremely still. Not in an anxious or frozen way, but in some sort of trance. I feel a strange pride in not trying to fill the silence by making her laugh just for a fleeting comfort. Instead, I sit with the discomfort. I let it consume me, and somehow, it becomes a part of me. There’s strength in that, I’ve accepted that I’ll never be “enough” in the way others might want me to be, no matter how much I try and that's okay.
Right now, the internet is full of lists: things to leave in 2024, goals for 2025, ins and outs for the new year. It all feels so bland. Where’s the appreciation for the moments we’ve lived, the gratitude for making it this far? Let us relish the fact that Allah has got us all this far, to see another year.
I like how everyone’s making mood boards, though. I’m not sure if they work, but having a clear visual goal does feel like it could make dreams more achievable no? One thing I am proud of is how my cycles of inspiration have evolved. I have a clearer vision of the things I want to create and do, and even just thinking about it makes me giddy. It’s a start.
That said, I still feel like I’m doing nothing. I don’t have the capacity to hold friendships, let alone relationships and that's also okay. I’m sharing this because today gave me a glimmer of hope. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. I even went outside, which feels like a small victory.
I’ve been writing a lot, reading even more, and sitting with silence—something I never thought I could do. Whenever I sit with my mother, I find myself extremely still. Not in an anxious or frozen way, but in some sort of trance. I feel a strange pride in not trying to fill the silence by making her laugh just for a fleeting comfort. Instead, I sit with the discomfort. I let it consume me, and somehow, it becomes a part of me. There’s strength in that, I’ve accepted that I’ll never be “enough” in the way others might want me to be, no matter how much I try and that's okay.
Right now, the internet is full of lists: things to leave in 2024, goals for 2025, ins and outs for the new year. It all feels so bland. Where’s the appreciation for the moments we’ve lived, the gratitude for making it this far? Let us relish the fact that Allah has got us all this far, to see another year.
I like how everyone’s making mood boards, though. I’m not sure if they work, but having a clear visual goal does feel like it could make dreams more achievable no? One thing I am proud of is how my cycles of inspiration have evolved. I have a clearer vision of the things I want to create and do, and even just thinking about it makes me giddy. It’s a start.
That said, I still feel like I’m doing nothing. I don’t have the capacity to hold friendships, let alone relationships and that's also okay. I’m sharing this because today gave me a glimmer of hope. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. I even went outside, which feels like a small victory.
11282024 - Somewhere in August I died // ꕤ
Somewhere in August, I died, I don't know the precise moment. I don't know the exact place. I can barely grasp how it even happened.
11252024 - Consumption for inspiration // ꕤ
To me, the web once seemed like a vast, boundless land, a place to freely nurture our ideas and help us grow as human beings. It held promise: the ability to discover, create, and engage meaningfully. But somewhere along the way, that experience shifted. Instead of being something to enrich and inspire, it ended up overwhelming me, pulling me into distractions that'd completely drain me and distract me from my goals. Reading ended up feeling like a chore—too often I'd be sucked into blogs that would be reduced to shallow takes or it'd be 'intellectual' musings that'd feel too abstract, as if they were written to impress rather than to connect.
We scroll endlessly, yet absolutely nothing feeds your soul, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Reclaim your digital space—choose to seek out ideas and experiences that ignite passion and curiosity. Don’t wait for inspiration to algorithmically find you; search actively, question relentlessly, and let the things that matter emerge in their own time.
I’m starting to write again. Not for the perfection, but to feel something—maybe help others feel something too. Writing has become difficult; it feels like every original thought has already been rewritten, diluted, and repeated until it’s void of meaning. It's so hard just to sit and write anything of value, but I must cope with the hard truth that this is for myself. I'm writing to help articulate my feelings, to save myself.
We scroll endlessly, yet absolutely nothing feeds your soul, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Reclaim your digital space—choose to seek out ideas and experiences that ignite passion and curiosity. Don’t wait for inspiration to algorithmically find you; search actively, question relentlessly, and let the things that matter emerge in their own time.
I’m starting to write again. Not for the perfection, but to feel something—maybe help others feel something too. Writing has become difficult; it feels like every original thought has already been rewritten, diluted, and repeated until it’s void of meaning. It's so hard just to sit and write anything of value, but I must cope with the hard truth that this is for myself. I'm writing to help articulate my feelings, to save myself.
10282024 - Grieving over relationships // ꕤ
I forget I can write and not in the way I'd call myself a writer but in a way that I can simply pick up my laptop & just type, it's honestly a blessing I take for granted to share any of your thoughts at a whim, merely knowing your cherished are a text away.
I feel myself being sucked into the wrong wormholes lately, days drag on [external stimulus consumption in between mandated tasks] & I've finally begun to realise I might actually be self-destructive especially with the relationships I hold, and in some way this is a cry for help, more so a plea—for you reading this to not hold anything towards me, I'm scared sometimes I'll be like this forever [it's been exactly a year] & in some twisted irony as I write this it happens again.
My log is completely down, I haven't written on there in forever. Hopefully it's all back up by the end of this week so I'm not having a complete crisis over the fragility of my very few friendships or the constant state of panic over what becomes of my present.
And to aisha & marci (♡-_-♡), I pray for you guys always.
I feel myself being sucked into the wrong wormholes lately, days drag on [external stimulus consumption in between mandated tasks] & I've finally begun to realise I might actually be self-destructive especially with the relationships I hold, and in some way this is a cry for help, more so a plea—for you reading this to not hold anything towards me, I'm scared sometimes I'll be like this forever [it's been exactly a year] & in some twisted irony as I write this it happens again.
My log is completely down, I haven't written on there in forever. Hopefully it's all back up by the end of this week so I'm not having a complete crisis over the fragility of my very few friendships or the constant state of panic over what becomes of my present.
And to aisha & marci (♡-_-♡), I pray for you guys always.