status: upset...........
status: upset...........
i get to see my bestfriend tommorow, i'm so excited.
i feel like today was just a testament to how horribly things can go wrong if you're too excited, or maybe how the one person who's supposed to protect me from sadness is the sole reason but at the same time writing this like the calm collected and mindful me, i know it's all in Allah's plan and that i should be grateful for whatever experience it is if i'm remotely happy or absolutely devastated
today was a memorable and great day, i'll write postively but in about 2 hours i know i will drown in my wallows but lets like not think ab that now
last night i was on this tangent and let's just say it was not pretty but waking up with the sun shining on your face changes things.
i love my family a lot in moments like this, happy 17 twin <4
the birds fly high
and all seems well within my mind
today was a good day alhamdulilah, i went to the masjid with my brother we ate and had fun, it's his birthday tmr it was also my bestfriends birthday a few weeks ago, i didn't do anything and she's leaving soon i really just want to go to her house and surprise her i feel that is the only way to make up for how horrid of a friend i've been when i think about her, all i can think about are my own faults how nothing i do can ever make it up to what she deserves she's truly so precious i know i will never find another person like her ever no one in the world does really, all i can do for her away and silent is make dua until we meet again, i've become this shell of a person around everyone and it makes me uneasy i could be better and i want to be better and i will be better, i think i will write about it properly somewhere else but here, i love my family and my bsf & i'm extremely grateful always ＼(٥⁀▽⁀ )／ praise to Allah
many unfinished books but i finished pineapple street by jenny jackson last night, it was an actual joy to read & i think i enjoyed it so much
because it felt like i was watching the show 'The Marvelous Mrs Maisel', it felt like an iconic 2000s movie put into words still comedic but with actual gravity [having a great plot that covers some serious topics],
i could immediately place together some cast in my head
and i was gushing all night just imagining it come to life i think it'd be a really really good movie if put right.
i also finished bunny by mona awad & i'm writing this prior to reading any theories or explanations because i want to get my view on it down
& see how off i am, going into the book i had a vague idea of what the book would be about, an unreliable narrator trope, dark academia & a some crazy twist?
i was wrong about just one.
i couldn't really get into the book at first, about half-way through i had to put the book down because absolutely nothing made sense
the style of writing irked me completely i'd reread paragraphs & still be really lost, infact i could not tell what was part of the story and what was not
& looking back at it now-- i realise it was all intentional, i hated the characters even more on the first go, the descriptions and how we were made to percieve them made the whole thing feel like those horribly made high budget teen shows [eg,elite]
& on top of that the main protaginist was being this broody bitch with her bestfriend smth straight out of [as i said] a horrid netflix show [eg, ginny & georgia ]
HOWEVER the second time i picked it up, i went in absolutely expecting nothing contrary to before [people had compared this novel to the secret history & that had my expectations really high so when i read those few chapters i was lost & dissapointed]
i expected the absolute worst and actually ended up enjoying it a lot? , i knew that i could not trust what i was reading since samantha would not always be telling the truth, so thoroughly taking my time i'd examine the characters one by one, not reading whatever nicknames that sam gave them but by their real names trying to grasp the story from a more solidified pov,
&
i really started to enjoy the book at the end, i'd describe this book not so dark academia? & the 'twist' at the end in my case was easily guessed, i'd still highly reccomend this book to anyone out there who likes sweet horror.
days just pass by, 8 days w/o any network or wifi , 10 more to go.
finished kafka by the shore, def one of the most interesting books i've read [and like every murakami book i read i will probably think about this novel for an excrutiatingly long time] , i'm devouring caryl rachells type of vlogs, and not thinking much at all. i'm agitated like all the time maybe it's because the only contact i've had all week is with my very very dysfunctional family but on the flip side i'm quite happy bc i finally got my hands on a bunny, it kept up popping everywhere , i have many books to get through this month and i'm sure just one of them will change my life.
Ww // unknown
i've still not done much just reading, the creeping thought of whatever future that lies ahead of me is looming at all times,
i try to write sometimes but after the 5th or 6th line i blank out unable to conjure up any thoughts but in my dreams
i have the most biazzare events occur, i wake up in shock that my brain can even come up with such situations.
i was woken up by my mom this morning really annoyed because i could've hanged out with joanna (she was shorter than me?),
and loona was there (chuu and yves had their stevonnie moment?) & i know i watch too much ludwig because he was my freaking
physics teacher *_*
i feel like i'm slipping away from the important things as usual, just breathing not really existing and fufilling my true purpose [which i've figured out] alx.
i can create so much, and give so much love to the people who deserve it yet i sit here unable to speak and too overwhelmed to do anything of meaning,
i had a conversation with a friend about this a while ago and i think about it a lot, i'm stuck in this constant loop & always doing things but not things for my benefit,
i'm running around day by day like a gawking chicken fufilling tedious tasks and by the end i'm exhausted & all i want to do is curl up and do nothing more,
finished my dark vanessa,
it took a great deal of strength to finish this book but god,
to all victims of grooming i pray for u.
|
welcome, september. |
listening 2 this currently, it's been months since i've listened to this song it takes me back to year 12,, i've been waking up earlier, eating healthier reading more and i'm going broke buying so much data
but i enjoy this all very much especially the silent mornings and the fact that my mind isn't so itchy when i'm reading, i feel like i owe this time to myself,
i always have these little ideas i can do for the people i once cared about and i think about them sincerely and with good intentions i've fallen out with a lot of people nowadays
& i know it's all for a good cause even though i miss them, i realise i still do not have the best company even if it so little but Allah is all knowing & i only ask what is good for me,
i also realise this whole august i was living in 2022, i already felt this sort of impending doom as the days drew closer to august,,
the deadline for the exams ( which i somehow bailed ), the nostalgia of 2022 and the heartbreak i felt last august, but it's over now so till next august ;w;
new york // fog lake
i'm grateful & happiest i've been all month i did my nails! the sun is always shining in my room ( which is like 80% done super cozy and cute atm ) alx,,
officially moved homes today, i swear i am not a cynical person it seems that i'm always complaining about something whether it be valid ( which most of the time i really feel it is)
or not, i'm writing this in a not mold infested room yay!!! ( it was so bad the cupboard right beside where i used to sleep had turned fully fluffy and green D: ) and i also have a window with sunlight!!!!!!!!!!
all this i'm extremely grateful for, praise to Allah, this new place is really cool and pretty luxurious there's a gym & a swimming pool and literally all the high end malls and shops are a 5 minute block away
which is nice to know. bad part because i'm very agitated and i cannot cope, things are out of my control and i get blamed for every small thing when moving when i am the only one doing anything? i am very very very annoyed
and i know it's not the best to write when you're at the peak of your emotions but there's no wifi or power for that matter atm so i'm thinking even more
yesterday we slept over here and did a lot of things, and i got to film a lot too which i'm excited about! i cannot wait to charge my phone and check the footage
i tried downloading 2kki locally and oh it was a mess ｡ﾟ(*´□`)ﾟ｡ everything went wrong and i got into a lot of trouble over it, it's like whenever i do something it goes wrong in the most horrible way ( i sound really 15 saying that)
but we've moved now, THINGS SHALL BE BETTER!!
i haven't texted my friends in about a week maybe two i've lost count but i really miss them right now and i realise as i type this into this little pink box that i really truly will never
have friends if i do not reach out and make an effort even if it is such a struggle i mean even here, i could put my thoughts into order and type but i do it only when it is easy
when it's been a week and i feel i am ready to do, and even though this is a contradiction to my first entry to not think of this place a burden
i'll try make an effort and not forget about this like everything else,
#1
i got cut off,,
|
thoughts. nothing much has changed all week, it has all been so deteriorating that i have even lost the will to write, but i am much more hopeful i am made for so much more and i will not lock myself into this little room any longer. it is really late i will udpate this part tommorow. |
When i woke up this morning i was anxious, the house was loud and chaotic and i certain that it would be a gloomy day ahead but no : D most wholesome day i've had with my family for the first time in weeks, aside from a few comments which would usually get to me but i decided to ignore them. i must remember this is a cycle. I also had this recurring thought whilst we were driving around the city, that i feel misplaced, as if i was never meant to exist on this plane of existance, the sky feels very fake as of now and i remind myself nothing is real, everything is temporary and we're all here to do it for the sake of Allah.
not much got done today at all, i browsed the internet a lot and tried to study a few times today. I still have not texted a single one of my friends, i always write when the day is over and i'm exhausted but i'm grateful.praise to Allah.
moving chronicles, my life feels like some tragic comedy, my books were read.
i do not know how to feel right now, nothing is going on and nothing is being done i do not think i have been in such an unwell state since well last year, i assume it is only because it is august but can i really say oh i feel so sad when i do not eat well sleep well excersise and not isolate myself? i know these little things can change how you feel and i know i should implement them but it's hard.
i spent a really long time trying to figure out what to do for this page, i had specific plans but i know i will not maintain it and if it causes me a bother then what will the use for this place be? I will not go too personal but this place will be for my ramblings away from people and media, my own little corner, i always found myself indulging in pages like this, super simple but so heartfelt so raw & genuine, i hope i can convey my feelings like that too.
